These are the thoughts I want to remember when dealing with my alcoholic spouse. They are easy to forget, forgive, deny, avoid, or get angry about, so I want them some place I can refer to them easily, often and quickly.

Once more, these are my thoughts, things, concepts that work for me. They might be right for you, they might not be. Try them on for size and disregard them if they don't fit. But if they feel right, take them, adapt them, use them if you like.

This is a disease, a disease that includes being out of control. I want to be angry, but how could I be angry at someone with alcohol, when I could not be angry with someone who has cancer?

I wish to help him, and if I can, I will. If I cannot, I will continue to help myself.

I will not re-act to him. I will act, but not re-act. Deep breathe, calm, and think, then choose a course of action.

I will remember the three C's. I did not Cause this, I cannot Control this and I cannot Cure it. I might have helped it along by nagging and becoming an 'excuse' to drink, but I am taking care of me now, and I wont be nagging anymore.

If I am staying, I will try every day to love him more and more. This does not mean coddle, excuse, ignore, pretend, allow or accept.

I don't have to call him on his behaviour, he already knows what I am going to say. If I mention it again, I become a nag, and add fuel to his fire. He has heard it all before and he did not listen last time. Save my breath and energy for something else.

If I expect him to be open and honest about his drinking, then I have to be someone who will not jump on him, judge him, badger him, nag him. I have to be understanding, gentle and loving. Firm and clear, but gentle and loving. You can usher someone out the door with their bags ever so firmly and gently.

Everyone has a separate and individual level of understanding, a level of acceptance or denial. If I wish to express something to him, and I wish him to really understand it, I might have to venture out and try a few different methods, words, timings, or moods. Then try again later.

I will not waste my time with confrontations, or trying to get him to admit he was drinking when he said he was not. Drinkers really do think they are fooling everyone, and he can't back down after denying it, especially when he has been drinking. I know that he knows that I know he has been drinking despite his denials and defiance. Maybe when he is sober, I can, again, say "You know when we were fighting last night, when you were not in the frame of mind to talk? Well, we left this one particular issue unresolved, or I thought it was unresolved, and I would like to clear it up if you are in the frame of mind to talk." He knows exactly what I mean, and I have not 'attacked'  him in any way.

Confrontations while drinking simply means an argument. Facing reality means pain and he drinks to dull the pain. Confrontations bring the reality and pain up front, facing something he is not ready to, and rocking his state of denial when it will only do damage. If he drinks again and it becomes a problem, I will walk away with a loving or calm, short and clear explanation. If we agree when he is sober that this is what I will be doing in the future, I can gently remind him we agreed this is what I would do, and say bye!

He is in denial because it is easier than facing all the issues that led to his drinking to begin with. He is not owning up to it and will not until he is ready.

I am not enough reason to quit drinking, his children and family are not enough, either. This knowledge does not hurt my feelings because I am responsible for my feelings. I am not hurt by simply what is so. I will be thankful if and when he finds a reason, one of which is his health.  

When he says something totally irrational, I will not react. My curiosity concerning exactly where that alien thought came from has to wait for another day. Instead, I will shake my head,  nicely tell him I love him and walk away. Hopefully, when he is sober, we can get back into that issue and clear it up, permanently.

He has excuses. I see them as reasons, and not necessarily valid. There is not one acceptable reason for allowing alcohol to become a problem.

His self-esteem is at ground level. My negative reactions serve only to sever our relationship more and more. I shall be watchful of ways that I can help him to realize what a valuable human being, partner, friend, lover and spouse he can be.

He is ashamed of his drinking, and of his failure to stop. If I can get him to understand it is ok that he did not stop, that it is ok that he drinks, (because this is where we are, and it HAS to be ok because it IS what is)  then maybe he can start to realize it is not ok that he drinks and start to stop. Read that again. You can't dig yourself out of a hole if you refuse to believe you are in a hole. If you can't accept where you are (and any place is ok, because that IS where you are) then you can't come to terms with it in order to change it. Anything else is simply remaining in the saturated state of denial.

If I feel he is pushing me away, I will try to remember that he might be feeling that he is worthless, and also unworthy of any one's love. I will try to show him how much I love him regardless of what he thinks. "Let me know when you want to love me back, I'll be over here until then."

I will not expect him to do what I want him to do. He has to do what he wants to do, just as I have to do what I have to do. However, if we want to do this together, we need to negotiate.

Mean people are mean because they have an overflow of anger, and a need to control something or someone in their lives at a point in time when they cannot control their own lives.

I will remember that this is a disease, and as his partner, I will fight this with him, not against him and it.

Someone asked me what the classic symptoms of alcoholism are. I am experiencing a long and hard case, but not a violent one, so the following list will be only from my experience and what I have heard.

He drinks secretly, drinks straight out of the bottle, uses breath mints and fresheners, is angry very easily, takes just about any comment the wrong way, blames others for everything and anything, denies he is an alcoholic, says he is not the problem, breaks promises, has trouble sleeping during regular sleep hours, makes a million excuses, takes 30 minutes to run a ten minute errand, constantly runs errands, becomes obnoxious, becomes instantly jovial, stops being affectionate or can be overly so, visits an odd area of the house or yard regularly, doesn't eat regular meals, falls asleep easily after drinking or needs additional/unusual naps, develops Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde personalities, forgets things more readily, shoves people away, becomes introvert with his family. Everyone is attacking him. He becomes unhealthy and starts "I feel worse than you do" contests.

More thoughts: My Checklist for Sanity

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