When I am not achieving what I want to, I must be doing something wrong. That is when I use checklists, like this one, (although this is a lengthened version) to see what area I am not taking care of. Once more, these are my thoughts, things, concepts that work for me. They might be right for you, they might not be. Try them on for size and disregard them if they don't fit. But if they feel right, take them, adapt them, use them if you like.

Current time is a must. If you are totally out of control, so lost you simply cannot function, the first thing you need to do is hold still. Breathe. Focus on anything positive until you are calm, a picture of your children, a loving animal, a view of the outside world. Do not go any further until you have a good solid grasp on current time. In order to proceed doing anything, the only way to go is in current time. Do not focus on what happened this morning, don't focus on what you fear will happen tonight, but here, right now, sitting at the computer, reading what this weird woman from California wrote. When you are done reading, then go on to something else, IN CURRENT TIME and don't spend any more time thinking, "That woman has no idea what she is talking about." You already decided that, so move on.

Acceptance is one of the first big steps. Acceptance of his behaviour as well as mine.  More about that here.

As my beloved sister says, "For God's sake, there is an elephant in your living room, and no one will talk about it!" She is absolutely right. Everyone wants to ignore the elephant and sweep it under the rug. Ever try to sweep an elephant under the rug? Golly gee. Okay, so no one else wants to acknowledge this beast, then I can do it all by myself. I won't go out of my way to whisper about it, I won't pretend it is not there. Maybe if everyone else sees me acknowledge it, sooner or later, some one else might see it is really ok to talk about the frickin elephant.

Next one is to find me. Go back to being Anne. When did I slip? When did I start being the witch I have become? Who cares, as long as I recognize the fact that I have. Maybe later I can do some digging to look at what happened, when it happened, in an attempt to prevent it from happening again, but for the time being, I have work to do.

Normal Anne is loving, light hearted, way too tender hearted, a bit lazy, a perfectionist, gentle, cautious, occasionally a clown, very analytical, too critical, peaceful, generally open minded, scared too often and easily, not as determined or persistent as my parents would like, patient if in control, impatient if someone else is, I do not wait well and I am far too predictable. Taco Bell? Green Burrito. Marie Calender's? Artichoke chicken. Paul's Restaurant? Eggs and hash browns. You can order for me each and every time.

The recent Anne? Whoa. Angry, sulky, too quiet, distant, mad, unhappy, grouchy, and always, always right. Yup. Every time, ask my other half. Did I mention I have become a nag?

So how do you find yourself? Pull up a chair, my child, while I tell you a story about Paul Revere...sorry, could not resist. One day at a time, one emotion at a time, one incident at a time.

Get your emotions in check. If you are always angry, disappointed or hurt, you are RE-ACTING, not ACTING. Re-acting is simply responding automatically to something else. Acting is when you absorb the something else, (hubby drinking) and remain quiet long enough to think about it and calmly decide what response you wish to convey, if any.

HALT works for the alcoholics, and it works for us, too. Watch for emotions to peak, especially when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

Look at expectations, hurt feelings, the list goes on and on. But get your emotions in control! They are simply adding fuel to the fire, yours and his. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is solved positively or permanently with emotions.

If I am staying, then I best learn how to forgive. I may not forget, but I can forgive, and will work towards that no matter how long it takes. If I cant forgive, I best be on my way.

Make new rules. Take a look at your space, decide what you want in it and what you do not. Put out your arms as far as you can. That's your space.  Make it a mental territory as well as a physical one. You have a few choices regarding what invades your space. You can welcome it, refuse it, or condition it. Just make sure the other players in your life and space understand the new rules, and be open to their resetting their own. "I love you, but I can't have this issue in my life any longer" or "I can't deal with this the way it is, are you able to help me change it?"

Examine your lines of acceptability, re-establish yours. Somewhere along the line, possibly right about the time you began changing, you accepted things in your life that normally would have been excluded. Your lines of what was right or wrong, acceptable or not, slid, one step at a time. Time to take a look at your lines, find out where they were, where you are comfortable with them now and bring them back to par. A tiny bit more on that here.

I am not a victim. I may feel like a victim, feel anger towards someone who I allowed to treat me like a victim, but the choice to remain or even be a victim is solely and purely mine. I choose not to be a victim by taking control of the things in my life that I can control, and not let the influence of someone else in my life dictate what I want my life to be.

Next is detachment. Agreed, this was a partnership at one time. Agreed, someone is not holding up their share of the marriage, work, bargain, maintenance, etc. Ok, accept that and get past it. This is the way it is, like it or not, today. No matter where you go, there you are. So how to survive for the time being? Separate yourself, mentally (physically if need be) from your spouse's actions. Wall building is another complete art, especially if you are going to stay in the relationship. You have to build the wall so that it can still be torn down when that time comes.

What if your partner had cancer? You would have to detach in order to keep going, to perform the daily routines that need to be done, to keep yourself from going insane, a wall to keep yourself strong for any children, and for him, as well as for yourself.

The wall means that if he disappears for days, your life is not revolving around his return. If he is accusing you of God knows what, you are calmly saying "No, that is not the truth" and walking away from another fight. If you discover him drunk or on his way, it means you might lovingly blow a kiss at him and tell him you will talk to him when he is sober, turn around and leave the room.

Go do something you want to do. Yes, it will exclude him, but he has excluded himself as well. That leaves you to form a temporary lifestyle dependent on yourself. You can keep yourself warm with the hope that the old days will be back someday, but meanwhile, you have to keep away from allowing his actions to influence you, your heart, your mental state, your well being. Tell the children that daddy just isn't feeling up to much today and go play at the park, reveling in your children (or friends) and the fun times you can have with them.

Take your dependency on his actions, being, love (or on any other person) and rip it into tiny pieces and put it down the disposal. After all, when the big earthquake comes and wipes out everyone on the planet but you, you better be an independent thinker who likes their own company, can fend for yourself and actually can enjoy being alone. If that earthquake never comes, you will be a much happier, independent person any way!

More than any other question, I am asked how to detach. I could write a book on this one. It isn't a one step task. In a nut shell, for me, detaching means to stop making anyone else's life or actions a primary factor in your life, or the source of your happiness or behaviour. Someone then usually says, "But he is my husband" to which I would answer, "Yes, he is, and as long as he is in agreement with that partnership and all that goes with it, go for it. If he is not abiding with the partnership and if your happiness or actions are dependent on him, you are in big trouble."

Detachment does not mean abandonment. Detachment indicates you have chosen to stay in the partnership but to re-arrange yourself within it so you can continue to grow, survive and be happy despite your current situation. When my husband decided to detox at home, against my better judgement, I insisted I stay to watch over him and help him past those days instead of visiting with my mum until he was done, as he suggested. The advice I received from many was an outrage. I was told I had been suckered into staying with him for the detox using the 'abandonment' trick. When trying to obtain more medical information about detox than I had, I was told I should not bother, that anything that might occur during detox because whatever might happen would be a direct result of his choice to drink. Detaching is not abandonment.

Learn. Read. More and more. Knowledge IS power. Pick up "Toughlove" or any Wayne Dyer book. Go wander through the self help books at the local bookstore or library, wander on line. There are some priceless jewels there. Way too many to list. While you are there, learn all you can about alcoholism and co-dependency (that's you!) Join Alanon, on line and in town. Pick the brains of other people who have been there done that. Go to an AA meeting, Enlightening to say the least. And all this while, keep your mind open, open, open. Get yourself back on YOUR path. Check YOUR addictions.

Do not be afraid. Fear of the unknown is the largest crippler in life. Most Alanon's experience fear, including what they might find out about themselves, but if you get this far, you have gotten a handle on fear. Charge on!! An old famous saying is "No smart, no cure" and it is still true to this day.  If you want to find out what is wrong, be open to what is wrong. If you want to fix something, be open to the wound truth will open before it heals. If you have really mucked up, then so be it. Say "I really mucked up" and start making other choices. "The truth shall set you free, right after it pisses you off." Put that one on your refrigerator.

Find others in the same boat. There must be thousands upon thousands of co-dependency spouses, parents and children. Maybe even staggering quantities. Most alcoholics won't 'share', part of the disease. From what I have seen, the alcoholics are either mostly men, or the women are simply more willing and able to ask for help from others. There are times when you really, really need to talk to someone, and that is when you should. When I am lost, I need to find the way back to independence, and I can't get there alone.  After I am better, focused, functioning, then I work on the rest. We all fall, we all fail.  Even though a higher power is with us all the way, sometimes a comforting person, an online hug is just what we need to keep going.

Take a breather. You are in the middle of an onslaught of life lessons, disappointments, behaviour changes, emotional turmoil, life changing (and sometimes threatening) events. Take a break. Is the entire situation getting to you, depressing you beyond words, too much right now? Take a walk. Get some fresh air. Leave. Don't leave like he does, slamming out the door without a word and nothing about his return. Lovingly, (or quietly) explain this is too much right now, I am going to go get some air and I will be back at this or this time.  Find something outside the home you want to do, have to do, would like to do. Everything will be there when you get back. Have kids you can't leave there? Take them with you and go get an ice cream or visit the park. My first leaving was an eye opener to my spouse. After that, he knew I WOULD leave when it got too heavy, but he also knew that I WAS coming back, something he knows perfectly well he did not give me the time he walked out without a word.

Create a peace place. Even if you have a crowded home, you can still develop a space where you go that is comfy. I built what we now call the hummingbird area right next to what was then the 'Sanford & Sons' part of the yard. One old wooden spool table and a white plastic chair, two hummingbird feeders and about six perpetual feeding residents. I later added rose bushes, gravel, and suddenly there were two chairs. Now there are four, and while it may be a popular sitting place, it is still my peace place. Inside the house, I have Aunt Mildred's old wing back chair with a quilt covering the aged and worn fabric, a small side table and a floor lamp all in a comfy corner. Mom's chair. A favorite small pillow, a favorite trinket from my son's kindergarten days, a cat on my lap.

Someday, you will be able to build a peace that goes with you where ever you go. You can call on it and can have it current any time you want it.  Meanwhile, until you reach that stage, make a peace place where you can go to breathe, relax, think or not think, and gather strength.

Pamper yourself. If you are lonely, feeling alone or even wanting to be alone, pamper yourself as often as you can. Take a long, luxurious bath. Play with makeup. Read a good book. Eat a Hostess twinkie despite a diet. Write. Do something strictly for you. Don't avoid this with excuses why you can't do it. Do it.

Lonely and can't find company, keep yourself busy, busy, busy. Start a hobby if you don't have one. Call me, I'll give you one of my hundreds, there is certainly one you will be interested in. Clean. Oh, is cleaning good for anger! Cleaning house is very cleansing for your soul. If you can't control your life, at least you can clean it and organize it. Finish a project you left unfinished, or start a new one. Stay busy, busy, busy.

Help someone else. For every lesson in life we learn, there is someone else out there who has not had the opportunity to learn it. One of your tasks in life, should you choose to accept it, is to share your lessons, your knowledge. Best of all, explaining a concept or lesson reinforces it in your life as well. In every plane, with every concept, there is someone out there who is more experienced, and someone less experienced. It feels good to help out anywhere, any time, be it volunteering locally, assisting a friend, running into someone on line who is as lost as you used to be. You never can tell how much you will learn in each and every encounter, both positive and negative. Most of the time I leave a situation or encounter feeling I have been terribly blessed.

Routines are important to maintain even for those who generally don't have them. I easily reached a point where most things feel fruitless, pointless. Why bother? Caring slips away, the plants need watering, the cats need combing, the floor needs sweeping and who gives a nickle? This is also a sign that depression might be right around the corner, so wake up, wake up! Stick to a regular routine, and dig deep inside yourself to find a way to continue doing those tasks no matter how pointless they seem at the time. This is where you force yourself, one of the rare places that I think forcing is required. My daily routines are here.

Laugh. Do you remember the last time you laughed?
In the middle of the bottom, when times were at the worst for us, we had a girlfriend over (one who was perfectly able to see the elephant and had been kept abreast of current events) and she stayed for dinner. Jay can be a clown, and we do feed off each other just a tad. My daughter had purchased a trial bottle of champagne to see if the brand was worth purchasing for her upcoming wedding. I finally said, "What the heck" and poured four glasses with just a sip in my spouse's glass. We held up our glasses in a toast and I said, "To sobriety" which caused instant laughter. It was the worst champagne we had ever had, and we bumped into each other at the kitchen sink pouring our glasses out. By the end of dinner, all of us were roaring and in pain from laughing, without anything else alcoholic. After dinner, after Jay had left, my spouse turned to me and said, "Gawd, that felt good to laugh." I had not realized before that, just how long it had been since I had laughed. Laughter is included loudly on my checklist from now on.

More thoughts: Things I have to remember about my alcoholic

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