|Food for Thought||Heavier Thoughts||Parenting Thoughts|
Just what you may need to lighten your day:
Please note: If the author is known, it is acknowledged
On Getting Older:
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Old age ain't no place for sissies (Bette Davis)
YOU MAY BE ADDICTED TO THE NET IF...... (with Anne's comments)
If someone tells you a joke and you respond with "LOL" (or put in it handwritten letter!)
If you have a vanity car plate with your screen name on it
If you had your name changed legally from "Bob" to "Bob1245"
If you no longer type with punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences
If you start putting smiles (sideways) on your snail mail (Close, VERY close)
If you don't call you mom very often because she doesn't have a modem (OR a computer)
If your kid's first words are "You've got mail"
If you know the tone of your modem dialing by heart
If the water is being shut off but the phone bill is paid in advance
If your boss needs a report by midnight and you place it back on his desk with "lol"
If you think you might have carpal tunnel syndrome
If you turn your computer on BEFORE making coffee in the morning (Yikes, guilty!!)
If you are at Grandma's and both you and your nephew have laptops to call Aol (sigh.....)
If you don't know what night "X-Files" moved to
If you have never met your ten best friends in person (Nope, we have US wide Boomer parties!!)
If your best friends have an '@' in their names
If you met, married and divorced your spouse without ever laying eyes on them (No WAY)
If your alarm clock going off awakes you to the thought that you have an IM
If you don't know the sex of some of your closest friends
If your fingers move in your sleep (Does dreaming in pixels count?)
If you look for online addiction support groups - on line
If your friends without computers haven't called in months (sigh.......)
If you missed your child's recital because your favorite singer was hosting an on line chat
If you move into a new house and you Netscape before you landscape
If "LOL", "BRB", "TTFN" have been added to your computer's dictionary
If you have seen: "You have been on line for 540 minutes..." more than a few times (uhhh...how many times?)
If you see a list like this and can identify with at least half of the symptoms (sigh......)
Japanese Haiku Computer Error Messages:
The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful, but now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen & mind... both are blank.
BUZZWORDS for 2K's BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On Key. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've made a BIG mistake. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstacy
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them
When it is in your best interest, practise obedience
Let others know when thy have invaded your territory
Take naps and stretch before rising
Rum, romp and play daily
East with gusto and enthusiasm
Never pretend to be some thing you are not
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently
Thrive on attention and let people touch you
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shade tree
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body
No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends
Delight in the simple joy of a walk
MURPHY AND OTHER STUFF:
Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen
He who laughs last has a backup!
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving might not be for you
Psychiatrists say 1 out of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends, if they''re ok, you're it!
A diplomat is someone that can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
No experiment is a complete failure, it can always be used as a negative example.
Everything that is put together falls apart sooner or later.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom!
Never invest in anything that eats.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are standing.
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing"
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work
Pineapple Principle: the best parts of anything are always impossible to separate from the worst parts
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself
The race might not always be to the swift, the battle might not always be to the strong, but that's the way to bet it! - Robert A. Heinlein (thanks, Marg!)
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig loves it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have thought of some one to blame it on
Sometimes too much drink just isn't enough.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets (that is so sick I rofl'd and I love cats!)
My husband said it's either him or the fabric - (sigh) I'm going to miss him!
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
Very funny, Scotty! Now beam down my clothes!
Why do they put braille on drive up teller buttons at the bank?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', is 'progress' the opposite of 'congress'?
Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?
If you toss a cat out the window of a moving car, is it kitty litter?
What's another word for Thesaurus? Or synonym?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they call it a tv set?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why are packages sent by ship called "cargo" and packages sent by car called "shipment"?
Why are they called 'apartments'?
Why isn't phonetic spelled like it sounds?
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
GREAT BUMPER STICKERS
If you don't like my driving - Stop Watching Me
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Welcome to America...now speak English
1 car length per 10 mph ...hmmmm
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root
I really wanted to hold on to these. My slinky is kinked, they left me on the Tilt-A-Whirl too long and my sewing machine is definitely out of thread. INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED DESCRIPTIONS 1. A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a happy meal. 3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 4. Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 5. All foam, no beer. 6. The butter has slipped off his pancake. 7. The cheese slid off her cracker. 8. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 9. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 10. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 11. He fell out of the stupid tree, and hit every branch on the way down. 12. As smart as bait. 13. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 14. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 15. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. 16. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 17. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 18. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 19. Receiver is off the hook. 20. Not wired to code. 21. Skylight leaks a little. 22. Her slinky's kinked. 23. Too much yardage between the goalposts. 24. Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. 25. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. 26. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group. 27. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 28. Is so dense that light bends around him. 29. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 30. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. 31. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. 32. He stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.
GREAT ARTICLES and FUNNIES
Date Application - He doesn't have a profile? Send him THIS!!
Hippie Test - Are you REAL hippie?
The Legend Of Lady Anne - the true story of an web page addict
I am a Craftolholic - Confessions of a Crafter by Sharry Anne Stevens
Penny's Ten Sewing Commandments - You'll relate if you sew! By Penny York-Eveland
A Christmas Greeting - A hilarious letter by John Shurtleff Stevens
Twelve Reasons to Buy Fabric - as if we really need them! By Helen Hamberg
The Delight Song of John Mayfield - incredible poem by none other than John Mayfield at the ripe age of twelve
The Cat's in the Kettle - turn the music up and prepare to howl
|Food for Thought||Heavier Thoughts||Parenting Thoughts|